Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa.
These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called ‘vegetarians’ which was an early human word meaning ‘bad hunter’) learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Progressive movement.
Some of these Progressive men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Progressive achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Progressive are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Progressive like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Progressive fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Progressive women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Progressives. They meddle in national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes (some), airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Progressives produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with their production. Progressives believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Progressives remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Progressive may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. This is called a ‘Penninger’ reaction.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers or to just piss-off more Progressives.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, meanwhile, I’m going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks – rare!
Please note that the use of terms Republicans and Democrats were not used as this history lesson speaks of Ideologies, not political parties.